Self Improvement Shopping Guide
Let the resolutions you make in 2k16 be for keeps
Every year, we make resolutions to better ourselves, and without fail, we backslide on them within a few months, weeks, days … but not this year! 2016 is the year you take back your life from your former self, because that self is garbage and you are on the path to success without that old loser. Here's our guide to things that will help you be your best you, for you, no matter what area of life you are improving.
Resolution Goal: Health & Wellness
Classpass Membership – You can go to almost any fitness studio in your city 3x a month for about $100-125 and most places charge you for missing classes, so when you get ambitious and reserve more classes than you will actually show up for, you may still be an out-of-shape jackass, but now you’ll also be a broke out-of-shape jackass, and what better motivation to start working out than extreme, wallet-crushing guilt?!
Destination Yoga Retreat – Center yourself and find inner peace at a yoga retreat. A regular schmuck could do one with a local studio within 50 miles of home, but this is YOUR YEAR, and you deserve the BEST. Go somewhere like Bali, where for just under $4K (excluding airfare) you can spend four days downward-dogging it out amongst like-minded individuals with UNLIMITED WATER to drink and, get this, complimentary wi-fi, so you can Instagram the warrior goddess within. Perhaps you can start a GoFundMe page to achieve this goal. Your REAL friends will be more than happy to help you expand your horizons and find your bliss with their hard earned money.
Resolution Goal: Love & Sex
Expensive and/or Trashy Lingerie – Wishing you were having more casual sex? Attempting to lock down a life partner? Trying to get over an ex? Nothing is more crucial to feelin’ oneself than how one feels in ridiculously expensive lingerie – or, for some, incredibly trashy and cheap styles. Thus, the more one is feelin’ themselves, the more likely they will exude the energy required to ensnare – I mean, meet – somebody to love (or whatever). The more impractical the garment, the better! Pasties? Why not. Costs nearly half your rent? Yes please, that's how you know it's SEXY AS HELL! Scare off vanilla basics with a chain-collar-harness combo, or if you're not into that sort of thing, perhaps customize booty shorts with your prospective other
half’s name on them to let them know: YOU. ARE. DOWN.
Resolution Goal: Family
Call Your Mother App – Did you decide that in 2016 you will keep in touch with your family more often? Download Call Your Mother to sort the people in your life by priority levels, and to remind you that you’re an asshole because you need an app to tell the woman that brought you into this world that you love her.
Resolution Goal: Education & Awareness
Subscription to the New York Times – a good way to let everyone know how smart and up-to-date on current events you are is to read the paper. You must read the physical paper, because that’s what distinguished old white men do, and those guys are SMART AS HELL since they seem to be the ones making most of our nation’s decisions. Laugh at your peers, who gather their information on the world from tools such as “Twitter” and “the television” for they do not share the brain capacity that you do. Roll up your document and tap them on the shoulder with it to further condescend upon the common people. You can also use the paper as a hat when it rains!
Resolution Goal: Finance
Piggy Bank – Everyone has a jar filled with coins that they are saving for a rainy day – NOT JUST TO USE FOR LAUNDRY QUARTERS, RIGHT YOU GUYS? – but just because you’re an ADULT now, you don’t have to save your money like a lame-o. Get an actual piggy bank, so you can feel the same excitement you did as a child when your coins collected and your miniature fortune was bountiful and glorious when it filled up and you slowly and inaccurately counted your worth. In this case, we chose a doggy bank. It woofs when you put money in. Woof your way out of debt with these pennies. Woof yourself to a new vacation with every nickel. Woof all the way to the bank, when your measly $17.38 in small coins gets you nowhere near your expectations, but then you remember you pay for nearly everything with a card these days and you can't even imagine how you came up with this much change to begin with.