Dan Knows Best by Dan Allegretto

Washington, DC. as a vacation destination
falling into a ditch
pricking your finger with a rose thorn
doing to the batting cages
sno cones
getting that pilot’s license
flat stomach!
going out in the lower east side or chinatown and doing coke even if you’re in your late 30s
reprimanding stand up comedians
being sex positive but not owning a hula hoop
sliding under a laser beam like Catherine Zeta Jones in Entrapment
throwing a brick with love letter attached through your crush’s window
ralph nader
poison ivy
think tanks
yelling at your parents
riding a carousel facing the opposite direction
french culture unfortunately
leaving a party when you see someone with rolling tobacco
coloring with crayons
googling “bitcoin” and figuring out whatever the shit that is
treating life as a precious gift and not hurting others
blowing on a blade of grass so it makes that noise
anabolic steroids
saying “turnt up” again
absolutely plaguing your uber driver with personal probs
doing your taxes from three years ago
getting a topical infection at the water park
making sexual advances at the guy who hates you
mending a fence
going down cellar
getting slapped in the face with a giant fish
becoming a grill master
mixed martial arts
photography
changing your name to Chris
ho ho’s and twinkies
TFI Friday’s Jack Daniels sauce
foot locker uniform
iphone
working for the church and killing it
hesitantly climbing into a hammock
praying drake dies in a fiery car wreck
tankinis
slot machines
cave dwellers
grad school
jacking off on the metro north
hatters
thinking about why you have holes in your clothes but never see any moths flying around…
chomping into a bar of soap
mulch
charging your best friend a dollar for a cigarette
deadmau5
clap on clap off lighting
blue moon beer
ancient secrets
scented candles
those cookies with the hershey kiss on top
book mobiles
bottling water from the dehumidifier and selling it
realizing that you’re constantly clenching your asshole
baking treats for a meme administrator
making whoopee
kony 2012
the vine app
clutching a rosary
flags
smashed potatoes
umbrella hat
open faced sandwiches
being a bad girl who doesn’t get caught
white water rafting
honestly, santa hats
being legit sad
ignoring your t-zone
one horse towns
feverishly riding on the coattails of your show business friends
pretending to know what “tapas” is
being diligent that dinosaurs never walked the earth
night caps (slouchy hat not drink)
the game pick-up sticks
origami
having a sexual attraction towards crash bandicoot
painting one nail like carson daly
crapping your pants
listening to music on the headphones
bald eagle
photographs of youth
sprinkler systems
maybe a watermelon salad
pool noodle
small bites
unfortunate diving board mishap
gunk