• The More Things Change Issue

    There’s a Chobani for That

    The More Things Change Issue
    Chobani cover

    Feed Me

    There’s a Chobani for That

    Welcome to Mask Magazine’s new column, Feed Me, in which we regularly corrupt the sanctity of the mobile web by exposing funny, fascinating, and freakish social media accounts to the greater world. Because taste-making shouldn’t belong to the rich, we’re serving curated social media feeds straight to your LCD screen a few times every month, which you can then casually show to your friends as if you found them yourself. Dig in to our first offering below.


    If you regularly eat bacterially-fermented milk out of plastic containers, you’ve probably heard of Chobani. Founded in 2005, the Greek yogurt manufacturer has managed to grow in less than a decade to exploit the labor power of over 1,200 employees to the tune of more than a billion dollars. Not bad!

    Though nothing’s more delicious than dead labor (other than living labor, of course), it’s hard to know just what flavor of capitalism will hit the spot before you’re actually staring down a grocery store shelf. Enter the Instagram account chobani_flavors, which helpfully provides the product menu on a social media platform optimized for yogurt fiends on the go. For example:

    A photo posted by @chobani_flavors on

    Of course! There’s no better way to hammer out a college essay or half-baked column for an internet lifestyle magazine than by combining amphetamines and dairy products into one low-fat package. Thank goodness.


    A photo posted by @chobani_flavors on

    You know the yogurt you’re eating really hits the spot when the logo and flavor name precisely matches the web browser you’ve been procrastinating on for the last hour and a half. Curl up with a cup of Firefox Chobani and you’ll be getting your low-carb protein fix in no time, assuming your computer isn’t lactose intolerant.


    A photo posted by @chobani_flavors on

    Eat delicious Greek yogurt, display your attentiveness to global politics, and metaphorically advance the interests of US foreign policy against pretenders to its throne as world empire by consuming Russian President Vladimir Putin yourself. (Note the 0% fat content, if you hadn’t already.)


    A photo posted by @chobani_flavors on

    Finally, the iconic flavor of New York’s finest is readily accessible via the mobile web. Bad cop? Eat ‘em. Good cop? Eat ‘em. Scooter cop? Eat ‘em. (Commuter cop? Block ‘em.) Police accountability made easy, thanks to this NYPD-Chobani partnership - merely the latest variation of the enduring and flexible methods by which the state defends capital at all costs!

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