I Swallowed My Toothbrush
When you swallow your toothbrush, your life doesn’t flash before your eyes. Instead, you think to yourself, “Jesus fucking Christ, I swallowed my toothbrush, what the fuck do I do now?” And there’s really not much you can do; your throat muscles start contracting, and it gets pulled down like any other piece of food. You can attempt to make yourself throw up, but once that sweet, hard piece of plastic has reached the point of no return, there’s really no getting it out of your throat.
Let me back up. How the fuck did I swallow my toothbrush? I’ve been a heavy drinker for a long time. I work a blue-collar job, my dad drank, the friends I grew up with all drink heavily. I’m sorry to admit it but it’s part of my culture. And while most of the people I was close to growing up were potheads and dabbled in meth, I get drug tested for my job, so I can’t do anything that the government deems ‘illegal’. So alcohol is my drug of choice.
One day after getting super smashed, I decided to go to an Indian food buffet. By the time I got home, I was feeling really sick. I wanted to vomit. I stood by the can for a minute, without result. I hopped in the shower and, looking at the soap rack, I saw my toothbrush. I pushed it down my throat and I started to heave, but after a couple thrusts my fingers slipped and the toothbrush became lodged between the back of my throat and the top of my mouth at a 45 degree angle. My heart started beating faster. I tried reaching into the back of my throat to grab the brush. But as my adenine kicked in and I became panicked, my muscles contracted and pulled the toothbrush down even further. The movement of my muscles slowed, and I could feel each inch of plastic slowly slide down my throat and into my stomach. The plastic felt cold and alien inside my stomach. It was as if my body knew that it was taking in something it wasn’t supposed to.