The Goddess Inside: Testing the Magic of the Yoni Egg
Step 1: Put the gemstone in your vagina.
It was an unseasonably warm fall evening in my childhood bedroom, and I was sweating. I’d squatted over a floral carpet that matched the ballet pink wall paint; my thighs were starting to shake. Sweatpants around my ankles, my commemorative Puppy Bowl t-shirt scrunched up in one hand while my other hand fished around inside me. I tried to remember what TV doctors tell TV pregnant women: push, breathe. I probed a hooked finger into parts of me that I’ve never personally seen, grunting, hoping my little sister couldn’t hear me from her room down the hall. I was searching for a small chunk of semiprecious gemstone that had gotten lodged in my vaginal canal, but I guess you could also say I was also searching for myself.
The yoni egg is a crystal, polished and carved into a tapered sphere, that one inserts into the vagina to reclaim one’s sacred pussy powers. Over the last few months, I noticed a growing number of holistic influencers touting their eggs. Maybe this is because as witchery and wellness have become intertwined in contemporary marketplaces, we have a twin desire for spiritual enlightenment and earth plane aesthetics. Essential oil bath bombs and gothy athleisure are tolls we happily pay on a road to enlightenment that seems to court femme pilgrims, in particular. Maybe it’s because it’s radical to mention a vagina without a masculine gaze. Maybe it’s becauseyoni eggs work.
“Yoni” is a Sanskrit word for female genitalia, while most yoni egg websites attribute the practice of vaginal gems to ancient China. The women who sell and champion yoni eggs follow no discernable pattern in terms of age, race, or geographical location; overall, they seem connected by a general aura of entrepreneurialism and an affinity for posting quotes about the divine feminine on Instagram. They seem like the sort of women who greet you by taking both of your hands in theirs.
I approached purchasing a yoni egg like dating: Is this the one I want in my vagina? I wanted to meet my egg in person before buying, but none of my local witch stores stocked them. Amazon seemed corporate and impersonal, and Etsy could be a crapshoot, so after a few nights of research, I went with Gemstone Yoni Eggs because they’re a small business, they offer transparency regarding their chain of supply, their eggs were on sale, and my purchase came with a free download of agoddess coloring book.
Gemstone Yoni Eggs offered a cornucopia of egg options, and my choice of gem seemed like one of the most important decisions I would make on my journey. Jade is considered the “traditional” material for yoni eggs, but users are encouraged to choose any crystal they connect with. A friend told me that she chose an egg crafted from green aventurine, a stone whose properties promote wealth and abundance, and was offered two full-time jobs within the first few weeks she wore it. There are stones for serenity, stones for luck, stones for love. Scrolling through my options, I wondered what I actually wanted.