• The Madness Issue

    How Long Is Too Long to Wait for Donuts? and other pressing questions

    The Madness Issue
    Illustration web2

    In a Drawer Opening Mood

    How long is too long to wait for donuts? ... and a hundred other pressing questions.

    Isn’t looming ecological catastrophe a given? Is 2:3 an agreeable ratio for political to ironic tattoos? What is the weirdest thing you’ve stolen? Shouldn’t there be wages for everything? Which is worse: that the universe is an empty doom void or that earth is populated with humans? Which is stranger: fenced off all-inclusive resorts or tall roller coasters? Have you ever fallen asleep without thinking about dying? Do you miss the sound of men moving pig carcasses from trucks in the morning? Do you remember the birds you heard in high school? I just got Aaron Carter’s number, what freaky shit should I text him? How many times have you faked an orgasm with a man? How long can you go without sleeping? What’s a vanguard? Is Toxic Shock Syndrome real?

    How can you spend years with someone and then try to do that again with someone else? How long is too long to wait for donuts? Is filial love just the management of certain feelings? Do shrooms go bad? What is a body? What police scanner app do you use? Do we bring our clothing when we ascend? Do we pack snacks? Can you bring a megaphone to 19th & Telegraph? Do you stay in on a Friday night at your parents’ house, tweet pics of your boobs, and read The Arcades Project in bed? Who is doing sound for tonight? Why am I on the Whole Earth Festival Support mailing list? Does anyone know what time they’re supposed to be released from jail?

    Are you one of the people I want to kiss? Am I the king of crime? Do you want to go on a date? How can I actually be sad on 40 mg of Zoloft and 40 mg of Wellbutrin? Wouldn’t “wages for house parties” be a really good stick ‘n poke? Is operating a pirate radio station more or less illegal in Canada? When do I start doing grad school stuff? Could you not text me that while I’m eating? What is string cheese? Why did I just eat three of these? I keep typing the word preminiscient and it’s apparently not a word, but can someone tell me what word I’m thinking of? Will sending a picture of my butt to someone on Instagram lead to romance? Aren’t all tragedies local tragedies? Who would you bring to prommunism? Does anyone have the number for The Earth Liberation Front? Does anyone know if egg donation is painful? Which of you fuckers put me on the Anarchist Academics listserv?

    Was it the emojis I put in my poems? 2015? How did this happen? Maybe I should just become a high school English teacher or something? Which texts reconcile philosophical pessimism with anti-capitalism? Can one use billboard space to advocate for environmental terrorism? What does it say about me if my only life interests right now are riots and S&M? Can V8 be your only source of daily vegetables? Am I dying? Are any of these 30 new followers willing to finance my future gay trailer park? I think I have a UTI and no insurance, what should I do? I know you’re cute but what am I? Will you make me a cake that says H1N1? What if I move back to California and try marketing water-free outhouses?

    Is this happiness or indigestion? Is “ratchet” racist? Hey @aaroncarter, I found this weird bug on my bed, can you tell me what it is? Is it confusing that I named my dog after your sister? Who was my friend in high school that got a good deal on their truck because someone died in it? Dandruff, or filth? Does this mean Miley Cyrus is queer? Now, to go on a hike in the hills with some corgis or check out the damage from last night on Telegraph Avenue? Who’s the dumbo who missed their flight? Why do people leave the library? What’s outside? Are you afraid of what the historicization of this movement implies?

    Why have we had dogs for 30,000 years but have yet to develop a breed that lives a little more than a decade? Where all the sugar mamas/daddies at? Should I walk a mile to Amtrak and hope they let me on with my cat? What string of events led this conversation to polyamory? Apparently my friend’s Twitter account is being subpoenaed? Are people somehow all wired to miss the weather of the place they’re from, like some sort of homing instinct? Where the riots at? Do any doulas out there want to teach me how to give abortions or come to Virginia with me? How do people motivate themselves to go to work? Is there any history of the FBI intercepting carrier pigeons? What if Ikea meatballs were the universal equivalent? If smoking first thing in the morning is a sign you’re addicted to cigarettes, then what is crying when you wake up a sign of?

    Hey baby, wanna have some fun before industrialized capitalism implodes from resource depletion and environmental degradation? Is this the super bowl? Whatever happened to mustard yellow? Why does this building exist? You know that strange bump behind your ear? Anyone interested in buying a really old antique organ from 1880 that everyone in my family is slightly afraid of? What if fireflies could shock you? How many people look at my mouth and think these freckles are food? Is it a big crime to post on Craigslist “looking for 80 mg of Zoloft?” When does your pussy get a 5 o’clock shadow? Does the machine love me or hate me? Why has nobody in my family ever seen or heard of a French press? What if your baseline feeling is malaise? I wonder what people at work think when they look at my computer screen and see that I’m on page 16 of “wild ponies” on Google Images? What type of ghosts will haunt the shit out of abandoned oil refineries?

    Is Cinnabon your new corporate sponsor? Now that I’ve found the love of my life, what do I spend the rest of my life doing? How do you hide the people you don’t want to see anymore on that shortlist Facebook chat bar thing? What if I lived in luxury in the old hotel where my great grandfather committed suicide? If I’m six or seven times the cat’s weight, does this mean I need to take six or seven cat Xanax at a time? Can you imagine if Philip Larkin and Billy Collins were to have a bald, awful baby together? What do you do if your passport has been “flagged for life?” Did my psychiatrist really just ask if my FTP tattoo stands for Failure To Progress?

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