• The Prisoner Issue

    Wash Your Face with This Gross Shit and You‘ll Be Young Forever

    The Prisoner Issue

    En Rogue

    Wash Your Face with This Gross Shit and You‘ll Be Young Forever

    There are over 43 billion beauty videos published on YouTube: Many are useful tips on how to change your look, but plenty host women testing out weird beauty products or completing trivial challenges like using a different face mask for seven days or wearing only children‘s makeup.

    Weird or out of the ordinary beauty products and practices, when detailed on the internet, are often backed by the notion that you might “find something you never realized you needed before.” These hidden needs are sold to us in products like snail mucus masks, breast hygiene creams, or snake venom facials. And since the Western world became enthralled with Korean beauty practices, women‘s skincare regimes have intensified alongside the trend, touting technologically-advanced practices and the “scientific” promise behind radically expensive and rare ingredients.

    Of all the options, it can be difficult to determine which are required practices and which are just products selling themselves to our deepest fears and insecurities. In the interest of debunking consumer bullshit and the myth of purchasable eternal youth, here‘s a list of beauty products that should be defunct, either because they are needlessly expensive or heinous in general.

    Fabulous Oil by Marisa Berenson Beauty

    Vogue describes the Marisa Berenson Beauty brand as part of a cult beauty trend. And what‘s more exclusively cultish than $100 for 0.9 ounces, which is what it you need to sacrifice to get your hands on her aging-defying Fabulous Oil. Made with extracts from the prickly pear cactus, a plant with “remarkable powers of regeneration,” Marisa Berenson Beauty will make sure your youth remains intact, if only at the cost of a rare plant that Americans ravaged from its native North Africa.

    Cell Renew Snail Hydro-Gel Mask by Super Aqua

    Snails and their mucin are now the magical ingredient for defending your skin against environmental damage and healing existing skin woes. The eww factor is just a part of the fun! Also, isn‘t it just soooo luxurious to both eat snails like the French and cleanse with them like Koreans? The West: a truly evolved, cultured group of people. I wonder how many snails went into that $6 pack.

    Cellular 3-Minute Peel by La Prairie

    Baby-soft skin, except you don‘t have to be a baby to have it. Made for adult women, the Cellular 3-Minute Peel by La Prairie will most certainly give your skin new life because anything cellular sounds so science. All you have to do is use this to completely strip the outer layers of your skin on a weekly basis for $270 per 1.4 ounces. Extra points go to pregnant women who use this to produce baby skin both inside and out.

    SkinMedica‘s TNS Essential Cream

    SkinMedica‘s TNS Essential Cream uses baby foreskins to rejuvenate your skin‘s tone and texture and claims to regrow burn victims‘ skin. Oprah endorsed the product in 2013, calling it “her magic fountain of youth” and was publicly shamed alongside SkinMedica for basically harvesting baby parts for the sake of looking younger. TNS Essential Cream is still on the market for $281 an ounce.

    Crème de la Mer by La Mer

    You know how swimming in murky waters can make you feel unsafe or even kind of grossed out? A thin dew hovers over the water while thick weeds surround and wrap themselves around your extremities. Well, it‘s possible that you‘re just on the wrong side of this experience. Elements of the ocean, like seaweed, can actually offer your skin an “ultra-rich, dewy finish”. With seaweed-filled products, you can instantly rejuvenate your skin by harnessing the “potent powers” of a resilient ocean plant that can survive anything, just like you. Go ahead, dive in.

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